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De Pink Dancer
Wed Aug 17, 2005 at 08:44:57 am EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #19 – Now With Added Guest Writer!!!
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #19 – Now With Added Guest Writer!!!

[The Story So Far: Nats has left Uhuna broken-hearted at the altar to go save the world by shacking up with a hot demon babe in hell. Which is men for you, really. Uhuna is upset and horny and she turns to Josh (De Brown Streak) Clement for comfort. DBS is surprisingly decent and restrained about the whole thing, and props to him for not taking advantage and being a complete slime-scum. Meanwhile, Vizh has dated Josh’s twin sister Pricilla DuBois but never called her back just because they had a minor difficulty with Hallie, the Juniors, DBS, and Sir Mumphrey Wilton. What Vizh doesn’t know (but Josh now does) is that Pricilla is secretly a member of the wickedy Botherhood of Evil Mutates, the bad-luck-bringing Vermillion Vex. Also, I had to look up how to spell vermillion.]

[The Scene: Paradopolis university, the Janitor’s closet]

Visionary: It’s not a janitor’s closet. It’s my office, dammit.

Dancer: Um, Vizh, it says Janitor on the door.

Vizh: Dammit. Somebody’s stolen my piece of cardboard again. It should say Metahuman Training Department, Professor Visionary, Head.

Dancer: Really? And you preferred having that on your door to Janitor?

Vizh: Is there a special reason you called to torment me, or is it just routine?

Dancer: Oh, Lisa’s new schedule isn’t out yet. We’re just having to make it up as we go along. But really I was hoping you’d seen Uhuna. She’s on campus somewhere.

Vizh: Uhuna? No, she’s not called here. And who wouldn’t enjoy a hike to the seventh floor while the elevator’s not working to look for an office partitioned off from the ladies’ toilets to create a broom cupboard?

Dancer: Hallie said Uhuna wasn’t in class. She’s been pretty upset recently, since the whole Nats epic, and Hallie was kind of worried.

Vizh: So she called you to help? Pretty smart.

Dancer: She called DBS to help. Apparently he’s been spending a lot of time with Uhuna recently. Josh called me.

Vizh: Is that spending a lot of time with Uhuna, or “spending a lot of time”?

Dancer: Josh said Uhuna was feeling very low and lonely. So I thought we’d better check all the frat houses and male dorms. Um, can we borrow this bucket from your office, Vizh?

Vizh: Sure. And I happen to keep a list of frat-houses and male dorms ever since Kerry came to stay with me. And also the addresses and numbers of major sports teams and biker bars.

Dancer: You’re doing a great job there, Vizh. I don’t know why everybody says you’re a useless fake waste of space.

Vizh: I’m real, dammit! Hey, wait…!

[Meanwhile, across campus in the Tomcats Dorm Room…]

Uhuna: So if the bottle points to you I have to take my clothes off?

Topher: Yeah. That’s the rules.

Uhuna: But when the bottle pointed at me I had to take my clothes off too.

Beezo: Yeah. That’s the rules as well.

Uhuna: But I haven’t got many clothes left.

Topher: Not a problem, babe. Since you’re new at the game we can always carry on playing for forfeits. Right guys?

Beezo, Jacker, Mogger, and the Bench: Right. No problem.

Uhuna: Well, I am feeling very hot. Maybe it was that special lemonade you gave me. I’ve never had “neat vodka” brand before.

Beezo: That’s okay. Try some more.

Jacker: Yeah. And just let me switch on this camcorder. Smile.

Topher: You know, we have another dorm custom here that we’d like to show you, babe. A sort of welcome for all the co-ed freshmen.

De Brown Streak: But before you show it, you might want to think about fetching the dorm first aid box.

Beezo: What? He, who the hell are you?

DBS: You’re kidding, right? I’m the notorious mutate rights activist (and some would say terrorist) De Brown Streak. I’ve had TV specials and everything. Don’t you guys ever read a newspaper.

Topher: Hey. we’re students. We don’t have to know stuff about the world.

Jacker: Er, guys, I think I’ve heard of this guy. He’s kind of on the mutate most wanted list or something. And he’s in the Lair Legion.

Beezo: That makes no sense. How can he be most wanted and in the Legion?

DBS: Have you been talking to my sister?

Uhuna: Josh! What are you doing here? I’m having such a good time.

Beezo: Hear that? The bimbo’s happy, so butt out, mutie!

DBS: Yeah, she’s well out of it. But you see, problem is, like you heard, I’m a notorious mutate. And you know what we’re like.

Topher: Are you… notorious?

DBS: Extremely notorious. So notorious I’m continued on the next notorious mutate. And we just love those homo sapiens women.

Jacker: Notorious mutates want our women?

DBS: Right. And once they’ve gone mutie they’ll never go back.

Uhuna: Really? Is that true?

Dancer, sticking her head round the door: Oh, Josh. There you are! I couldn’t wait in the bedroom any longer. I need some more of that hot mutate loving, big boy.

Beezo: What? Who are you? What do you mean hot mutate loving?

Dancer: Oh, sure I struggled at first. But once I got a dose of mutate-love…

Topher: No. That’s just a myth!

Uhuna: Really? Shouldn’t somebody check?

Dancer: Oh sure, my boyfriend objected, but by the time Josh had finished with him he wasn’t even able to open his mouth to scream any more.

Topher: What did he…? I mean…

Beezo: I’d like to go on record to clarify that my earlier mutie remark was in no way meant to be derogatory.

DBS: Well, I have the power to control speed. Imagine what might happen if, say, your blood went round your body at different speeds?

Jacker: Urk.

DBS: And the best thing about it is there’s absolutely no evidence to prove it was murder. And I mean, it’s not like the girl’s gonna complain, is it?

Topher: Help! Notorious mutates are stealing our women!

Dancer: And we love it.

Uhuna: Actually, I don’t feel so good. The room’s all going dizzy.

Dancer: Let’s get you out of here, Uhuna. Josh wants a word with these young men alone.

Jacker: Take the girl. Just don’t hurt us.

Uhuna: That’s not very gallant. I don’t think I’m having fun any more.

DBS: But how could I be a notorious mutate terrorist if I just let you boys go, hmm?

Beezo: Please, we’ll do anything?

Dancer, eyeing the video camera: Anything?

DBS: Get Uhuna home, Dancer. Get her some heavy duty asprin.

Uhuna: Oh, that’s not necessary. I can easily get rid of a hangover. *reaches over to the frat boys and uses her gift to transfer medical symptoms* See, I feel much better now.

Beezo, Topher, Jacker, Mogger, and the Bench: Ow!

DBS: And now boys, smile for the camera. We’re going to take some pictures, and if you ever try anything like this on any lady ever again, these movies are going to go right onto the campus intranet. *smiles wickedly* Hey look, bottle’s pointing to you, guys.

[Meanwhile, Vizh is checking the modern arts block]

Vizh: You know, there’s not enough nude women in modern art. I don’t know much but I know what I like.

Pricilla DuBois, the Vermillion Vex: Yes, that was my impression of you from our first date.

Vizh: Pricilla? I didn’t know you studied here. Not that I’d have avoided coming here if I’d known. It’s not like that. I’d have called you only I had a multi-part crossover, you know how it is. How mad are you at me exactly?

Pricilla: Well, at first I was angry and humiliated that you used me and shamed me and gave away the one secret I’d asked you to keep. Then I wanted to hurt you and maim you and destroy everything you’d ever held dear.

Vizh: You’d have had to get in line. You wouldn’t believe the run of bad luck I’ve had recently. Hearts of Darkness, sexual misconduct allegations, IRS audit, Kerry running away, Hallie going blue, Miiri getting pregnant…

Pricilla: Oh, I’d believe it Vizh. As I say, I was pretty cross with you. But then I thought, he’s only homo sapiens. Give the guy a second chance.

Vizh: Second chance? I get a second chance?

Pricilla: Right. Call me and I’ll tell you where and when. But this time don’t tell any of your freaky friends where you’re going or what you’re doing, or who you’re seeing. Just pack a bag for a long weekend and slip away. And especially – and I’d like you to watch my lips as I say this…

Vizh: No problem.

Pricilla: Do. Not. Tell. My. Brother.

Vizh: Also no problem, all previous evidence to the contrary.

Pricilla: Good. Call me. It’ll be a weekend to remember. For the rest of your life. Now excuse me, I have to meet someone…

[And across campus…]

Uhuna: I feel very stupid now. I was letting my feelings get the better of me.

Dancer: Nothing wrong with feelings. You’re not the first girl to lose her head, get drunk with five guys in a dorm room, and end up… er, allegedly. Nothing wrong with feelings at all.

De Brown Streak, zooming up looking smug: That was a wicked thing to do to those guys. I’ve not been happier since I joined the Legion. Suddenly everything’s looking up. The world is wonderful!

Pricilla: Josh! Fancy meeting you here!

DBS: Pricilla! Dancer, Uhuna, this is my twin sister!

Dancer: The one who fell over Visionary?

Pricilla, coolly: The same. *turning to Josh* Look I’ve got to run. I’ve got plenty to do these days, especially since you’re not pulling your weight for mutate rights causes, being a useless pointless pawn of the establishment. But I just wanted to say Hi.

DBS: Really? You wanted to say Hi to me? Of your own free will?

Pricilla: And to meet your friends. *takes Uhuna’s hand, and Josh’s* Nice to meet you, Uhuna. So are you Josh’s latest girlfriend?

Uhuna: No. Josh and I have a mature, sensible relationship that doesn’t rely on cheap sex and mutual exploitation of desperate need. It’s a first for both of us.

Pricilla: Good for you. Hope nothing terrible happens between you then to destroy your high-minded chastity, wreck both your lives, and drive Josh away from everything he’s ever known or cared about into the arms of his worst nightmare. Or stuff. *She lets go of their hands* See you around, bro.

To be continued by poor, poor Josh




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